Things My Life Has Taught Me

Somebody has to write these things. Why not me? I want to see how long this can get passed around the Internet in people’s notes and bulletins before my name gets dropped off of it and it comes back to me as an anonymous list of truisms.

  • Girls are insane. They like you, then they don’t like you, then they do awful things, then they like you again. And there’s nothing you can do about it.
  • Snipe is a ridiculously difficult bird to catch, but telling people that it does in fact exist won’t win you any friends.
  • Stupid people hate smart people, and will take any opportunity to try to make you one of their own.
  • Nobody reads anymore.
  • If it bleeds, it leads.
  • A huge headline is not a substitute for a thoughtful article.
  • The only thing harder than interviewing someone is being interviewed.
  • If you don’t own a cell phone, be prepared for a lot of incredulous/pitying looks from strangers and friends alike.
  • No matter how quiet you are, Mom will know if you’ve taken two Tootsie Rolls out of the jar instead of one.
  • A lack of self-confidence never got anybody anywhere, but even Albert Einstein, Steven Spielberg, and Winston Churchill questioned themselves from time to time.
  • Other people like you. Some other other people really hate you, despite the fact that they’ve never met you.
    • Only the first group matters.
  • Being in a band is a quintessential high school experience, and I would recommend it to anybody who fancies the idea of fighting with three or four of your very best friends on a daily basis. No, really, great times.
  • The deep end isn’t that deep, and if you don’t swim across it right now you’ll have to sit up on the side.
  • Embrace your differences – otherwise you’re the lead singer of an indie band.
  • If you’re going to write on the basketball court with a crayon you found, don’t write “[Your Name] Was Here” and then tell the people near you, “And I was, too!”
  • Your mother knows everything about everything, including you and all you’ve done. Yes, even that.
    • Sometimes you shouldn’t listen to your mother.
  • Even though you know your social life is not affected by whether or not you repost an Internet chain letter, some part of you still feels like you should do it.
  • Everybody thinks they’re unattractive, even supermodels. If you don’t, you’re Paris Hilton and should probably be filed away somewhere unobtrusive. (And don’t tell me she wouldn’t fit into a file folder. She and Nicole Ritchie could share one.)
  • To quote P.J. O’Rourke, “You fall in love with perhaps half a dozen people in your life, and a like number of people fall in love with you. But the affections are rarely mutual and almost never contemporary. It is the most irresponsible thing that can be done to let such a coincidence pass and not act upon it.”
  • Never let fear, trepidation, shame, awkwardness, chickenness, or a lack of self-confidence keep you from telling someone how you feel about them.
  • “Honesty is the best policy, except when it’s being done to you.” – Scott Adams
  • Don’t repeat rumors you hear on the Internets.
  • No matter how much somebody proves their idiocy, there will still be people who think he or she is a misunderstood genius.
  • Occasionally, those people are right.
  • Despite all their macho posturing, guys aren’t any more comfortable with killing spiders than girls are.
  • Even the worst movie is good if you see it with friends.
  • A recent survey pegged the age people wish they could relive most at seventeen. For all the drama, complicated relationship connections, love, hate, affection, friendship, break-ups, zits, bigotry, idiocy, cliques, homework, and adults who don’t understand, high school was probably the best time of your life, because you got to come into your own.

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