Tucker Carlson. What a guy.

I’m something of a fan of Tucker Carlson’s. Well, maybe “fan” isn’t the right word. “Aficionado”, perhaps. To misquote Jimmy Kimmel (who was talking about this gal), he’s “delightfully, refreshingly crazy.” He believes that Canada, “America’s… retarded cousin”, is stalking the United States, but he’s also strangely handsome, in a Conservative-pundit-who-used-to-wear-a-bow-tie-until-he-realized-it-made-him-look-like-a-giant-weenie sort of way. (I may be wrong: my spies tell me he has one hell of an orange tan.) Also, he’s on MSNBC, which is pretty cool. (See, at least MSNBC has an actual Conservative commentator. Take note, FOX News!) Anyway, I didn’t exactly like him, but I sort of let him slide.

Until now.

I’ve gotten people fired. Well, person. The gentleman in question, a lawyer, plagiarized a Dave Barry column wholesale, changed the phrase “humor columnist” to “attorney”, slapped his own name on it and had the newspaper print it as his own. I emailed Dave Barry about it through his blog, and he had me forward the column to his research “department” (a woman named Judi Smith). She informed me that I was right, and the newspaper was contacted. (Judi didn’t ask how I happened to know that the column was the same, and I wasn’t about to admit to having any columns memorized from reading them over and over…) The lawyer had the gall to claim that his assistant had prepared the column that week and it wasn’t his fault. Which may be true, but he no longer writes the column regardless. And I’ll admit, it was kind of fun to know that an action of mine eventually resulted in some sort of justice. But that’s what it was: justice.

A few days ago, Tucker Carlson strolled into a video store in Washington, D.C., near his nice shiny new $3.8 million house, to open an account. The clerk, one Freelance Genius, blogged about it in fairly general terms, despite the fact that apparently the following exchange took place:

Tucker: If you keep this shit up, I will fucking destroy you.
The Genius (Me): Whoah, perhaps you would like to take this outside where you can continue threatening me without disturbing the other customers.
Tucker: *Looks out the window, then back at me* I am not threatening you.
The Genius: You just said you would fucking destroy me.
Tucker: No, I didn’t.

None of that was in the original blog post. In fact, most of it was about the fact that the name “seemed familiar” and it didn’t hit The Genius until later whom he had just served. But Carlson, who has been having Fun with Google lately, found the post and cried invasion of privacy. Or something. At any rate, The Genius was fired and now needs to find another way to pay the rent.

Before any of my Conservative friends say anything, know that I’m not singling him out because he’s a Conservative. If, say, Nancy Pelosi did something similar, I’d probably react the same way. But try and understand my point: Tucker Carlson, who evidently has plenty of money, is petty and vindictive enough to get a youngish, unwealthy (and probably fairly geeky – he blogs, after all) gentleman fired from a soul-sucking job he needed for rent money, because he didn’t really do anything wrong. The whole post was jokes about how protective of Tucker’s privacy he was being – not disclosing what movie he rented, or his address, or whatever, despite having ready access to all of that information. Then, just for icing on the cake, a man claiming to be Carlson’s lawyer showed up at the video store and verbally harassed the first clerk he came to:

This person marched into the video store and demanded information about me and insisted that my friend divulge my full name, place of residence and any other further places of employment I might have. My friend is totally effing rad and rightly told this person that there was no way in hell he/she was giving away any information about me and then demanded that this hassler then produce their name and place of employment. The hassler claimed that this information was confidential. My friend then said, “Well, now you know how I feel.”

Tucker Carlson. What a guy.

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